30. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL SELFISH OR RESENTFUL

• Enlist the help of someone outside your immediate family to keep track of phone calls, condolence cards, flowers and memorial contributions. This person can be responsible for sending thank you notes and following up. Months and years from now, you may take comfort in reading the cards and remembering the support.

CARPE DIEM:

If the death was recent, ask a close friend to serve as a buffer between you and the world. If the death was longer ago and you feel ready, phone or write a note to someone thanking him for his kind words or deeds at the time of the death. (HEALING A PARENT’S GRIEVING HEART: 100 PRACTICAL IDEAS AFTER YOUR CHILD DIES; Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD; 2005)

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may have noticed that I skipped numbers 28 and 29. 28 was “WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE” and 29, “COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE”. I have neither a spouse nor a partner.

Someone to keep track of the phone calls, cards, flowers and memorials would have been very helpful. I was so scattered at the time of Joseph’s death. I know, some time afterward, I did send out some thank yous. I’m not sure I got to everyone. My ex-husband had the visitor book and gave me copies of what appeared to be only every other page. I haven’t gotten around to asking for an update. It’s been almost 12 years now.

A friend and former colleague, who came to the wake, reminded me that night of something I had said to her when we worked together. I hadn’t wanted Joseph to move back in with me because I didn’t want to come home and find him dead in my house, which was exactly what happened. We got together a couple of times since then. She went with me to The Wrecking Club in New York City, a place to smash and break things. It was ungodly hot that day and we had to wear protective gear. I was sweating while wielding a sledge hammer. She didn’t join in. She just stood back and reminded me of things to be angry about. Anger is not something I am comfortable with, but she got me going. At one point, I remember looking at her and asking if she wanted me to hit her. She was so patient with me. I was sick to my stomach by the time I was done. I’m not sure it helped. But I did it.

I have reached out to her since then but haven’t heard back, I don’t know if she changed her number or she’s ignoring me. Today, I called the office where we used to work and left a message on her voicemail. Hopefully, I will hear back from her. I would like to tell her how much I appreciate her.