Author Archives: Be Kinder Than Necessary

YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND

Writing prompt from Mirabai Starr in Holy Lament:

I thought you were my friend…

I’m blank…I thought you were my friend.

Oh. Yeah…

Years ago, in high school, I was angry with a friend. I don’t remember why. But, I sent her the lyrics to “Frozen Smiles” by Graham Nash. It was hurtful and came from a place of pain and anger. The lyrics escape me now… but I remember a line…”you’re supposed to be my friend.”

She was so hurt that she reached out to my boyfriend at the time, or ex-boyfriend, not sure if we were still together at the time. He came to me to talk about it on her behalf. I don’t remember how we resolved it, but I guess we did because at her death in 2020, we’d been friends for almost 50 years. She’s still my best, closest friend. 

The night before she died, she’d slipped into unconsciousness…a coma? I gave her a Reiki treatment. I felt a lot of heaviness within her that I pulled out. At one point, I was shocked to see another of her friends sitting in the room, watching. I close my eyes when I perform Reiki. Anyway…when I was done, I went outside. She lived in the woods in Maine. I went out into the silent darkness, looked up and threw up my arms. I wanted to scream, to roar, but I didn’t.

She died the next morning.

Frozen Smiles

IF I WERE IN CHARGE OF THE WORLD

I just came out of a Holy Lament meeting with Mirabai Staff and Willow Brook. The Threshold for today was Disillusionment.  Mirabai read this poem by Jack Gilbert (accessed at A Brief for the Defense ):

A BRIEF FOR THE DEFENSE

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies are not starving someplace, they are starving somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils. But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants. Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women at the fountain are laughing together between the suffering they have known and the awfulness in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody in the village is very sick. There is laughter every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta, and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay. If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction, we lessen the importance of their deprivation. We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure, but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless furnace of this world. To make injustice the only measure of our attention is to praise the Devil. If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down, we should give thanks that the end had magnitude. We must admit there will be music despite everything. We stand at the prow again of a small ship anchored late at night in the tiny port looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning. To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth all the years of sorrow that are to come.

Mirabai then gave us the following prompt and 10 minutes to write nonstop:

If I were in charge of the world…

My response:

If I were in charge of the world, no children would be hungry…they would laugh and play all day, fully clothed in lovely clothing that fits them perfectly, in shoes that fit comfortably or barefoot on lawns like carpet or smooth beaches of sand and stone. They would find beautiful shells and green and blue smooth seaglass that they later turn into mobiles hanging from the driftwood they also found on the beach – from fishing line that washed up on the shore along with the seaweed and mussel shells.

They would play all day and when night falls they would climb into warm bubble baths to wash off all the salt and sand.

Then they would have a supper of their favorite foods and drink, telling the others all about the joy they felt in their wanderings. And the adults in their lives would listen with open hearts and ears and smile at them with the most loving eyes, letting them know they are perfect just the way they are and no one could love them more.

After cleaning up the dinner things, they would retire with their families to their living rooms and make music, sing songs, tell stories, and read books. And most of all there would be love, unending, unconditional, soul-healing love.

And when they go to bed, their adults tuck them in and hear their prayers, and read some more, and sing them to sleep.

And the adults…the adults who are able…would have meaningful work at a wage that pays their bills and leaves them enough left over to travel the world.

HOW DARE YOU?!

I just signed out of a Zoom meeting with Mirabai Starr and Willow Brook, a gathering called The Sacred Art of Grieving. 

Mirabai read a poem by Rumi. I don’t know if this is exactly the same translation…but you’ll get the point.

The grapes of my body 

The grapes of my body can only become wine
After the winemaker tramples me.
I surrender my spirit like grapes to his trampling
So my inmost heart can blaze and dance with joy.
Although the grapes go on weeping blood and sobbing
“I cannot bear any more anguish, any more cruelty”
The trampler stuffs cotton in his ears: “I am not working in ignorance
You can deny me if you want, you have every excuse,
But it is I who am the Master of this Work.
And when through my Passion you reach Perfection,
You will never be done praising my name.”

(This English version is by Andrew Harve, Original Language Persian/Farsi & Turkish)

She then gave us a prompt and time to write. The prompt was: “I surrender”.

Here is what I wrote:

Ugh. My immediate reaction is How Dare You?! How dare you stomp on my heart and call it Love! What is the meaning of this torture? What?! Am I to be grateful that you took my son? That you left me with this broken bleeding heart?! How fucking dare you?!

My heart, mashed and smashed beneath your feet? Do you take pleasure in my brokenness? My weeping and wailing? The complete and utter rending of my heart and soul. The loss of my son. The loss of his future….

ONE MOMENT MORE

I’ve just signed out of a Zoom support group of clinician survivors of the suicide loss of a friend or family member. Being professionals didn’t exempt us from losing someone close to us. Our wonderful facilitator, in her email signature, has this tag line:

PS  Love really IS the answer.  And to those of us who have lost loved ones to suicide, I say: If love could have saved our loved ones, they would have lived forever.

God! If we could only believe that and be gentle with ourselves. If I could only believe that and be gentle with myself.

Joseph, I love you. I loved you then and continue to love you now. I’m sorry if I didn’t communicate that to you enough. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough to keep you alive.

I hope you are happy now. I hope you are filled with light and joy and love and are exploring the universe with the great wonder you always encompassed. 

We miss you terribly.

Our facilitator also included the following song in her email:

One Moment More (Official Lyric Video) using Mindy’s own handwritten lyrics

Enjoy.

I’M NOT LAZY, I’M TIRED

33. PRACTICE BREATHING IN AND OUT

  • Sometimes what we need most is to just “be”.  In our goal-oriented society, many of us have lost the knack for simply living. (HEALING A PARENT’S GRIEVING HEART: 100 PRACTICAL IDEAS AFTER YOUR CHILD DIES; Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD; 2005)

CARPE DIEM:

Sit down, focus on something 20-30 feet away and take 10 deep breaths.

Yes. It is okay to just be. I am retired…well, sort of. That’s what I tell myself, anyway. I am still “on demand” with my employer and take assignments here and there. And I agreed to work 5 hours, one day a week, in a private practice. So far I have only one client; and, they have been coming only every other week. 

I almost went to Germany for two months, on assignment, but there’s a problem with getting my fingerprints…they tend to be illegible…so the job offer was rescinded. I was a little disappointed…and a little relieved. 

I had lunch with a friend the other day. She is older than me and continues to work fairly regularly, 12 hour days, because, she says, she still has something to offer. And she does. She is an amazing hospice nurse who ensures that her patients get what they need.

It got me thinking I was being lazy. But…at Mass this morning, my pastor mentioned waiting on the Lord. And so, I am. Assignments, opportunities for service, will arise as they should. I get energized when I am working and then I need time to recover. I am not lazy. I am tired.

(Photo taken at BAPS, Robbinsville, NJ)

SAYING NO

32. SAY NO

  • Especially soon after your child’s death, you may lack the energy as well as the desire to participate in activities you used to find pleasurable.
  • Realize that you can’t keep saying no forever. There will always be that first wedding, christening, birthday party, etc. Don’t miss out on life’s most joyful celebrations. If you attend something and find it overwhelming, it’s OK to excuse yourself and leave early. (HEALING A PARENT’S GRIEVING HEART: 100 PRACTICAL IDEAS AFTER YOUR CHILD DIES; Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD; 2005)

Ugh. It’ll be 12 years this year and I still say no sometimes. I find large social gatherings difficult, anxiety provoking even. I just don’t have the same capacity to socialize as I used to.

Funerals were especially difficult for a very long time. I realize now that was likely because I was in denial about my son’s death. I mean, funerals are no fun any time, but I was always able to support folks. I can do that again now.

When my niece got married, shortly after his death, she acknowledged Joseph in her ceremony. I just now sent her a text thanking her for that.

I missed the weddings of my cousin’s kids. One because I was staying with a friend who was dying. The other, my godchild, because it was on Joseph’s birthday. His birthday and death day are two days I still can’t allow for any kind of celebration…except about him. Maybe not quite celebration…but definitely remembrance.

(featured image found in Google search…attributed to english.eagetutor.com)

MARY UNDERSTANDS

31. GET AWAY FROM IT ALL

  • Visit a foreign country. Go backpacking in the wilderness. Volunteer in the inner city. Spend a weekend at a monastery or nunnery.

CARPE DIEM:

Plan a trip to somewhere far away. Ask a friend to travel with you. (HEALING A PARENT’S GRIEVING HEART: 100 PRACTICAL IDEAS AFTER YOUR CHILD DIES; Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD; 2005)

So…after meditating this afternoon, I picked up Dr. Wolfelt’s book and read the above passage. So…I did it! I went through my emails and found Immaculee Ilibagiza’s email about upcoming pilgrimages. I signed up for one to Medjugorje. It’s a Marian apparition site in Bosnia Herzegovina, the former Yugoslavia. I’ve been wanting to go there for a long time. I’ve been to Knock, Fatima, Lourdes and even an unapproved (by the Catholic Church) site here in New Jersey. 

If anyone understands what it’s like to lose a child, it is Mary of Nazareth, the mother of Jesus. 

Immaculee is a survivor of the Rwandan genocide and author of a number of books, the first of which was “Left to Tell”, her story of survival. I met her years ago when she spoke at a local church here in New Jersey. I hope this will be the first of many trips with her to apparition sites, including Kibeho in Rwanda.

I did not ask a friend to come with me…but I did invite a friend to go for a walk this afternoon.

ANGER MADE ME SICK

30. ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL SELFISH OR RESENTFUL

  • Enlist the help of someone outside your immediate family to keep track of phone calls, condolence cards, flowers and memorial contributions. This person can be responsible for sending thank you notes and following up. Months and years from now, you may take comfort in reading the cards and remembering the support.

CARPE DIEM:

If the death was recent, ask a close friend to serve as a buffer between you and the world. If the death was longer ago and you feel ready, phone or write a note to someone thanking him for his kind words or deeds at the time of the death. (HEALING A PARENT’S GRIEVING HEART: 100 PRACTICAL IDEAS AFTER YOUR CHILD DIES; Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD; 2005)

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you may have noticed that I skipped numbers 28 and 29. 28 was “WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE” and 29, “COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR PARTNER ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE”. I have neither a spouse nor a partner.

Someone to keep track of the phone calls, cards, flowers and memorials would have been very helpful. I was so scattered at the time of Joseph’s death. I know, some time afterward, I did send out some thank yous. I’m not sure I got to everyone. My ex-husband had the visitor book and gave me copies of what appeared to be only every other page. I haven’t gotten around to asking for an update. It’s been almost 12 years now.

A friend and former colleague, who came to the wake, reminded me that night of something I had said to her when we worked together. I hadn’t wanted Joseph to move back in with me because I didn’t want to come home and find him dead in my house, which was exactly what happened. We got together a couple of times since then. She went with me to The Wrecking Club in New York City, a place to smash and break things. It was ungodly hot that day and we had to wear protective gear. I was sweating while wielding a sledge hammer. She didn’t join in. She just stood back and reminded me of things to be angry about. Anger is not something I am comfortable with, but she got me going. At one point, I remember looking at her and asking if she wanted me to hit her. She was so patient with me. I was sick to my stomach by the time I was done. I’m not sure it helped. But I did it.

I have reached out to her since then but haven’t heard back, I don’t know if she changed her number or she’s ignoring me. Today, I called the office where we used to work and left a message on her voicemail. Hopefully, I will hear back from her. I would like to tell her how much I appreciate her.

SAINT CECILIA PRAY FOR US

27. KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED

  • Love gives our lives meaning. To heal, you must learn to love fully again.
  • Think about the people who care about you and the ways in which your life matters.

CARPE DIEM:

Spend some time today with someone who loves you. Focus on this person and what she is saying. Tell her how much you love her too.

It is difficult for me to believe that I am loved. It’s Lent and I have been working with the Hallow app to meditate and try to grow closer, again, to God. I am doing the Pray40: The Return Challenge. We are reading The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoevsky and focusing on its similarity to the parable of the Prodigal son, with some reference to Henri Nouwen’s The Return of the Prodigal Son, which I am also reading a little at a time. God’s Love.

On the Hallow App today, there was an interview with Patricia Heaton, the actress from Everybody Loves Raymond and Malcolm in the Middle. She is, apparently, a devout Catholic. She went on a mission trip as a young adult; and, when she came back, prayed for discernment about becoming a missionary. She asked God to put an end to her auditions if that was what she was meant to do. She then ended up with long-time roles AND has raised money for missions around the world.

So…I spent some time in meditation this morning. My question was, “What do you want from me? I’m sorry to put it this way, but, what do you want from me?” No immediate answer. Heaton and the interviewer prayed in a chapel at a convent for St. Cecilia, where her sister is a nun. I don’t know much about St. Cecilia, except for the fact that she was musical. I prayed along, but got turned off at the mention of her as “virgin”. What is it with Catholics and the preoccupation with virgins? The interviewer mentioned her “husband”…so, she remained a virgin while married??? I have to look into this.

So…I remembered that St. Cecilia was one of my mother’s favorites. Then I remembered her confirmation name was Cecilia. Joseph’s godmother’s name was also Cecelia, spelled differently.

Anyway, this evening I am having dinner with my Survivors of Suicide friend group. We all love each other in a very special way. That’ll be good.

https://www.axiawomen.org/wow/st-cecilia-featured-saint

I HAVE NO ILLUSIONS THAT HE WAS PERFECT

26. TREASURE YOUR CONCEPT OF WHO YOUR CHILD WAS

  • Your child was smart, funny, handsome, sweet. Despite his flaws, you loved him unconditionally.
  • Allow yourself to cling to those things you loved best about your child. Over time, you may find that discussing all aspects of his character and personality–good and bad–with others who knew him will help you work through conflicting thoughts and feelings.

CARPE DIEM:

Gather special photos of the child who died and place them in a small photo album–one you can keep in your purse or in your desk drawer. Try to select photos that capture well your child’s personality, character and passions.

Yes, Joseph was smart, funny, handsome and sweet. He got away with more than his siblings did. He was the youngest, and I’d already been through plenty of nonsense with all of them, including him. I was tired. He was also 22, and there were no more younger siblings after him. So…he got away with a lot. He was the only child who got away with having a sexual partner in his room. The others weren’t even allowed to have a partner IN their rooms. I have this recollection of his saying he was an asshole for doing that. I’m not sure if someone told me that, one of his siblings called him that, or he said it to me in one of my “day(s) in the spirit” (a program I bought through James Van Praagh, a medium) with him.

I have no illusions of his being perfect. He struggled from the time he was very young, emotionally. He had difficulty with social anxiety, and, of course, depression. I recall sitting in church one day during a meeting for his First Holy Communion. The Director of Religious Education, a friend and neighbor, was choosing kids to participate in the May Crowning of the statue of Mary. Joseph’s name was drawn to carry the pillow with the crown. He SCREAMED uncontrollably, and I took him outside. Apparently, the idea of carrying the crown terrified him. So…he didn’t do it.

Another time, he was a shepherd in the Christmas Eve Nativity at Mass. He made it partway around the church, and, when he saw me, stepped out of the procession and sat down with me.

I am having trouble thinking of any real misbehavior on his part…except for having sex with his girlfriend under my roof, which had never been allowed for any of his other siblings. Of course, we had never discussed it; and, I hadn’t disallowed it by any spoken rule. His siblings would never even have considered it.

I recently ordered a bunch of photo prints of him that I had saved in Google Photos, so I will be making that album.