11. UNDERSTAND THE SIX NEEDS OF MOURNING

Need #4: Develop a new self-identity

• You have gone from being a parent to a “bereaved parent”. You thought of yourself, at least in part, as your child’s mother or father. Even if you have other children, this perception of yourself has changed. If the child who died was your only child, you may wonder whether you are still a parent at all.

CARPE DIEM:

Write out a response to this prompt:  I used to be . Now that

died, I am . This makes me feel . Keep writing as long as you want.

I didn’t “used to be” anything. I am still Joseph’s mother. For a time after his death, eleven years ago, I may have filled in this blank differently. No. No, I wouldn’t. Likely, I wouldn’t have filled it in at all. I couldn’t. It was too raw.

I remember, shortly after his death, sitting in my therapist’s office and asking him, “What do I say when someone asks me how many children I have?” I am past that now. I answer, “Four”. I gave birth to four children, regardless of how many still inhabit this earth. When I am asked their ages, I respond differently depending on who is asking, and why. Sometimes the conversation is easy. Someone is genuinely interested; and, I will respond fully, saying Joseph died. If they ask how, I tell them.

I find that, sometimes, when I share that he died by suicide, people have experienced their own suicide losses. Sadly, it is not all that uncommon.