Tag Archives: Jesus

SAYING HIS NAME

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23. USE THE NAME OF YOUR CHILD

  • When you’re talking about the death or about your life in general, don’t avoid using the name of the child who has died. Sometimes others are afraid to use the name in your presence out of fear that it is painful to you. If you use the name, others will know that they can use it too. 

CARPE DIEM: Flip through a baby name book at a local bookstore or library and look up the name of your child. Reflect on the name’s meaning as it relates to the unique person you loved. (HEALING A PARENT’S GRIEVING HEART: 100 PRACTICAL IDEAS AFTER YOUR CHILD DIES; Alan D. Wolfelt PhD; 2005)

I would like to begin here by saying that I still love Joseph, in response to the “unique person you loved” prompt above. My love for him is ever present. It did not die with him.

I don’t hesitate to use his name; and, I am ever grateful to hear others say it. It is a pleasure to know that they, too, remember him.

I don’t need to go to a bookstore to look up the meaning of his name. I can, “Ask the Google,” as we say in my family:

The name Joseph has its origins in Hebrew and holds significant meaning. Derived from the Hebrew name Yosef, it translates to God will Increase. This name has deep roots in biblical history, prominent in the narrative of the Old Testament. Joseph, son of Jacob and Rachel, was a central figure whose life and virtues are vividly recounted in the Book of Genesis. (accessed at https://www.ancestry.com/first-name-meaning/Joeseph)

The only surprise is that the name translates from the Hebrew to “God will increase”. God certainly did increase. Joseph was the fourth of our children. When I was pregnant with him, I woke from a dream one day and said, “How about Joseph Francis?” I had previously been considering James Andrew, the name of my great grandfather from Scotland. His father didn’t like the idea, having an uncle “Jimmy” of whom he wasn’t particularly fond.

I was thinking of Joseph, for the dreamer of the Old Testament, mentioned above as the son of Jacob and Rachel, and also for the earthly father of Jesus. I always called him Joseph, not Joe or Joey. When he was little, his father called him Josie, which was picked up by some in the family for a while. Josie reminded me of the Clint Eastwood character, The Outlaw Josie Wales, although his dad pronounced it with a softer “s” sound. My grandkids called him Uncle Joe. His friends called him Joe. He called himself Joe on his FaceBook page. One of his sisters called him Broseph. She still does when she posts about him.

FAMILY IS COMPLICATED

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22. COMMUNICATE OPENLY WITH YOUR FAMILY

  • Your partner and your surviving children are hurting, too–each in their own unique ways. Nobody can (or should try to) take away the hurt, but talking about all your thoughts and feelings since the death helps everybody feel supported and understood. 
  • Is yours an “open family system,” in which members openly talk about the death, the person who died and their grief? Or is yours a “closed family system,” in which members pretty much keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves and don’t feel safe mourning among their own family? (HEALING A PARENT’S GRIEVING HEART: 100 PRACTICAL IDEAS AFTER YOUR CHILD DIES; Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD; 2005)

Hmmm…I thought we were an “open family system.” We mentioned Joseph’s name all the time. But we talked about him, mostly, in the present tense. Like he was still alive and with us. We still talk about our experiences of feeling him near, making himself known to us. 

The day after I found him, I went to my youngest daughter’s apartment, after she called me. She already knew about Joseph’s death having gotten the news, I assume, from one of her siblings. She hadn’t returned my call to find out why I’d left her a message the night before. She took my hands, when I entered her apartment, looked me in the eyes and said, “It’s not your fault; and, you’re going to need a lot of therapy.” I felt such relief, hearing her say those words. I was sure everyone in the family would blame me. My ex-husband, my children’s father, even came to the apartment and was supportive of me in his own grief.

Years later, when I told her what her sister had said. “the last time you told someone they were homeless, they killed themselves,” she kind of nodded and shrugged. So maybe she does blame me. We don’t talk about it. We don’t talk about how we feel in our grief. She and I, and her daughter, took a trip out West for Joseph’s 30th birthday. The night of his birthday, we were all tired, having spent the day sightseeing…that was the day we kayaked the Colorado River. I guess we’d all said we were tired and I suggested maybe we not go out. She snapped at me and said my granddaughter still needed to eat. At dinner, there was mostly silence. Several times I tried to bring up Joseph and talk about him. We would be interrupted by the wait staff, or something, and the conversation never got off the ground. She may have been doing things on her phone. I just remember feeling alone, although we were all together. I got the impression she was angry with me and maybe would have preferred I wasn’t there. I was in a lot of pain that night, having been in the kayak alone, she and my granddaughter sharing one. Paddling against the current was difficult. I slept on a sofa bed, while they shared the bedroom. It was terribly uncomfortable. I ended up closing it and sleeping on the sofa instead. I struggled to sleep, and thought about changing my flight to go home the next day. But…morning came. I think we talked a bit, and I stuck it out. It was, all in all, a beautiful trip. We saw the Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree and Zion National Parks. But it was terribly bittersweet.

She volunteers with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) and shares openly about her experience in posts, as their Social Media Ambassador, so I do see how see manages her grief. But, again, we don’t talk about it. And, I am only now getting to experience my own grief and mourning…almost twelve years later. Our relationship is improving.

I don’t have a partner. My renewed relationship after Joseph’s death survived almost three more years, but we didn’t talk about our grief either. I remember watching the film, “The Passion,” and afterward kneeling down on the living room carpet where Joseph’s body had lain and crying, maybe screaming, identifying with Mary, having lost her Son. My partner left the room. I suppose he didn’t know what to do with me. I don’t think I ever even considered he might be experiencing any grief over Joseph’s loss. He’s married now. 

My relationship with my eldest daughter is improving. We communicate via email, although we live in the same town; however, the emails are more frequent and conversational.

My other son, well, he still isn’t speaking with me. It’s been almost 11 years. So…could it be related to Joseph’s death? I saw him at my mother’s wake and funeral. I said, “Hello, Son;” and he looked like a deer in the headlights. So, I walked away. He stood in for a picture with me, his younger sister, and my granddaughter that his girlfriend took. My eldest daughter didn’t come to either the wake or funeral.

It’s a complicated family. Aren’t most?