26. TREASURE YOUR CONCEPT OF WHO YOUR CHILD WAS

• Your child was smart, funny, handsome, sweet. Despite his flaws, you loved him unconditionally.
• Allow yourself to cling to those things you loved best about your child. Over time, you may find that discussing all aspects of his character and personality–good and bad–with others who knew him will help you work through conflicting thoughts and feelings.

CARPE DIEM:

Gather special photos of the child who died and place them in a small photo album–one you can keep in your purse or in your desk drawer. Try to select photos that capture well your child’s personality, character and passions.

Yes, Joseph was smart, funny, handsome and sweet. He got away with more than his siblings did. He was the youngest, and I’d already been through plenty of nonsense with all of them, including him. I was tired. He was also 22, and there were no more younger siblings after him. So…he got away with a lot. He was the only child who got away with having a sexual partner in his room. The others weren’t even allowed to have a partner IN their rooms. I have this recollection of his saying he was an asshole for doing that. I’m not sure if someone told me that, one of his siblings called him that, or he said it to me in one of my “day(s) in the spirit” (a program I bought through James Van Praagh, a medium) with him.

I have no illusions of his being perfect. He struggled from the time he was very young, emotionally. He had difficulty with social anxiety, and, of course, depression. I recall sitting in church one day during a meeting for his First Holy Communion. The Director of Religious Education, a friend and neighbor, was choosing kids to participate in the May Crowning of the statue of Mary. Joseph’s name was drawn to carry the pillow with the crown. He SCREAMED uncontrollably, and I took him outside. Apparently, the idea of carrying the crown terrified him. So…he didn’t do it.

Another time, he was a shepherd in the Christmas Eve Nativity at Mass. He made it partway around the church, and, when he saw me, stepped out of the procession and sat down with me.

I am having trouble thinking of any real misbehavior on his part…except for having sex with his girlfriend under my roof, which had never been allowed for any of his other siblings. Of course, we had never discussed it; and, I hadn’t disallowed it by any spoken rule. His siblings would never even have considered it.

I recently ordered a bunch of photo prints of him that I had saved in Google Photos, so I will be making that album.